“I feel my child’s friend may be a “bad influence” on them. Should I intervene? What is the best way to handle the friendship?” For answers in this Sound Advice column, we reached out to DFWChild Mom Approved Melissa Griffing, LPC, RPT, at WellNest Counseling in Dallas.
Melissa Griffing, LPC, RPT: Many parents wonder how to help their children through sticky social situations, and it becomes more complicated when you suspect your child’s friend might not be the best influence. If your kiddo is little, it’s pretty easy. Just don’t plan a play date.
As they get older, it is a bit more complicated. You want to respect your child’s choices and build up the ability to trust their intuition, but you also want to help them learn to make proper choices, even when that might go against the social grain.
If you have a teenager, I hate to break it to you, but it’s like having a toddler again. They are experiencing as many new things in this stage of life as they were when they were in toddlerhood. Instead of learning to walk, they are learning to drive. Instead of learning to talk, they are learning to communicate. They need as much handholding as your toddling 2-year-old does walking down steps. It just looks different now.
Whether you have a school-aged kid or a teenager, here are four things you can do:
1. Be Curious First
Seek to understand and ask open-ended questions like, “What do you like about this friend?” or “How do you feel when you spend time with them?” Stay away from criticizing, as this is the quickest way to put your child on the defense. When you take time to listen to your child, you are also building a trusting relationship. It is so rare that our kids get to talk to us without our opinion or advice that when it happens, it impacts the relationship positively.
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2. Revisit Family Values
Instead of banning the friendship, revisit your values and expectations. If you haven’t discussed these, it’s a great time to introduce them. Lean into what is essential to your family when it comes to relationships and ask open-ended questions about how your values are being met in this relationship. For example, if you value mutual respect, you can ask, “Do you feel like your friend respects you as much as you do?” If you value being kind to yourself and others, discuss that. Make sure to remind them of the family’s expectations. These might include keeping curfew, behaving kindly, respecting others and property, and making healthy decisions for your mind and body.
3. Model Healthy Relationships
When it comes to parenting, there is no more powerful teacher than modeling. Your kids will likely repeat what they see you do. So spend time with families that share similar values with you and cultivate relationships that you would want your child to have. While modeling seems like a lot of pressure, remember you also get to model how to repair. If you pick a friend who ends up having much different values than you, model setting boundaries. If you make a make a mistake in your relationship, model apologizing.
4. Intervene if Necessary
While we want to encourage independence and positive choice making, sometimes we have to intervene. If you suspect your child is in danger, limiting interaction as much as possible is appropriate. Have a conversation about why it is not appropriate to continue the relationship. If bullying or illegal activity is occurring, you may need to get the school or other appropriate authorities involved.
As parents, we want to encourage independence but also recognize that children don’t have experience navigating the complexities of social interactions. Add on the fact that, starting in middle school, many kids start to prioritize the opinion of their peers rather than their parents. Keeping an open line of communication is key.
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Have a parenting question you’d like our experts to answer? Submit yours here (or message us on Instagram @dfwchildmag or email editorial@dfwchild.com) and your question may be answered and published in a future issue of DFWChild magazine.
