Eliza Klein has a standard answer when her 11-year-old daughter is invited to a sleepover. “I just kind of turn it around and say, well, she’s welcome to come to our house,” the Plano mom of two says.
Klein is much more comfortable hosting a sleepover than sending her kids to one. And she’s not alone—she’s one many of parents who find this once rite of childhood somewhat problematic. She’s among the growing camp of moms and dads declaring a no-sleepover rule.
And Klein’s decision only solidified recently, when a mom of her daughter’s friend repeatedly mixed up plans. To her, it seemed like a red flag. “I told my daughter if they can’t even remember who’s picking up their own kid, how can I trust that you can be at this house?” she says. “I just felt like there’s not enough oversight. So I did have to have a pretty open conversation with my daughter about it.”
Her reasoning is hard to argue with: Parents aren’t perfect, and bad things can happen at sleepovers. But might there also be benefits that kids could be missing out on?
When Tragedies Spark Fear
The truth is, scary and tragic things have happened at sleepovers. In 2021, a Plano middle schooler attended a sleepover where the kids shot him with BB guns, forced him to drink urine, and videotaped it. In March of this year, a Plano teen overdosed at a sleepover at her own home when she and her friend both took Percocet laced with fentanyl.
Are parents scared? Should they be? Kate Miller, a Mom-Approved therapist with East Dallas Therapy says it’s understandable that parents may have anxiety about sleepovers. But that anxiety, she says, is part of parenting.
“You can’t 100% make sure that they’re going to be safe at school. And kids just do wild things at home all the time, when the parents are in the room with [them],” she says. “So, while I understand that anxiety, it’s taking calculated risks.”
Opting Out of Sleepovers
Now, Klein says thanks but no thanks. As the child of immigrants, she says her mom didn’t trust anyone enough to allow her to spend the night with them as a kid. “My rule about sleepovers is pretty much the way my mom was with us. I’m from El Salvador, and we came here when I was 6. Being in a new country, she just didn’t ever really develop a lot of trust.”
Klein’s kids only spend the night one-on-one with family, and since they haven’t wanted anything more, her rule has never been a point of conflict. But Klein still feels like hers is the “unpopular” opinion. “I’m trying to be a little bit more open-minded about it, but also be very aware of the times,” she says.
In Defense of Sleepovers
There are a host of reasons parents are resisting sleepovers, such as opening the door to risky behavior, bullying or even abuse. But Miller feels we shouldn’t be too swift to cross them off the list of childhood experiences. “There are parts of sleepovers that are really special and it’s not the same doing it at any other point in life,” she says. “It’s a really valuable, special thing.”
Still sometimes it’s the kids, not the parents, who aren’t keen on the idea. Fort Worth mom Christy Youngs remembers that when her now teenage son was younger, he had some anxiety about being away from home. “I think it must have been one of his first [sleepovers]. I do remember there was a little hesitation of like, is he going to be OK all night?” she recalls. “I thought he might have more separation anxiety or not make it through the night. And I do recall afterward he, he was like, ‘Yeah, I didn’t really enjoy that.’”
But Miller says that sleepovers can be a good experience for a child even if they don’t have the best time. “Let your kid try it on. Let your kid have fun, and even let them have a not-so-great time,” she says.
The calculated risk with sleepovers, Miller continues, is balancing safety with a child’s growing sense of independence. A sleepover can be an important developmental step for children, helping them practice independence and flexibility.
“It’s a great opportunity for kids to be in a safe environment and experience time away from parents and time away from their routines,” Miller explains. “Routines are great and they make kids feel safe, but kids also need times where they’re out of routine and things are different to realize their own capability and kind of flexing those muscles. And one of the cool things about sleepovers is you get to see how other families have different rules and different ways that things work.”
Laying the Ground Rules
Miller suggests parents letting their child go to a sleepover come up with a code word they can use if they feel unsafe or want to leave. “Like if I get a text that says ‘sunflowers’ then I’m going straight over,” she says.
No cellphone? Youngs made sure her son knew he could ask an adult to call his parents. That’s important to do, says Emily Millican, a Mom-Approved Licensed Clinical Social Worker at Terra Therapies in Fort Worth. “Communicate expectations to not only your child but also the adult at the home of the sleepover. Say to both child and adult, ‘My child can call me at any time, could they use your phone for that?’ This allows everyone to be on the same page and empowers your child that you said it in front of both them and the adult in charge. Scheduling check-in calls to speak with your child is OK.”
Jennifer Johnson, a nurse and mom of three from Fort Worth, says part of her criteria for sleepovers is trusting the adult knows her child well enough to call her if they thought her child needed her. “I had to know the parents fairly well and be able to trust that if anything happened that they were actually going to call me,” she says.
There were situations where the kids wanted to go to a new friend’s house that she didn’t know, and when that happened, Johnson says, they had a conversation about why they couldn’t go. “If you’re making rules like that, kids need to know why you’re making those rules. So, it really just was like, ‘look, I don’t know them. I don’t know what their lifestyle is, I don’t know what their home is like, and my job as your parent is to keep you safe. You might not like that answer as an 8-year-old, but it’s hard to argue with.’”
Millican says her policy at home is similar. “For us, sleepovers are very rare and selective. Our girls have only attended one friend sleepover, and one of the best parts that put our minds at ease for that was that they were going to be attending together.”
Miller says if your answer to a sleepover is no, helping your child understand why is important. “If it is no sleepovers because [that family lets] elementary-aged kids watch R-rated movies, then that’s just a really clear conversation about, like, they have different boundaries than we have and it’s not a good or bad thing, but this is an important one for us.”
Finding Fun Alternatives
Unpopular opinions aside, there are many ways kids can have fun and experience independence without going to a one-on-one sleepover. The term “sleepunder” has been coined to describe going over to a friend’s house and staying up late, but then coming home to go to bed. Group sleepovers or sleepovers with siblings might be an option, or trips with camps, sports teams, church groups, etc.
Millican recently did a sleepover with her children and mom friends and found it to be a great way to relax and have fun in a new environment. “The moms-and-kids sleepover is something I have actually done with some of my best friends and all of our kids, and it was so fun! We planned it on a weekend one of the dads was gone on business, and we had the best extended playdate/slumber party ever,” she says. “Our kids got the full sleepover experience, and we mamas had some much-needed time together with each other as well. I highly recommend it.”
This article was originally published in August 2023.
Top image: iStock
