They pull the trigger on their finger guns and scare the other kids in line to see Santa. They turn your furniture into a trampoline while watching a holiday classic. They talk back, refuse to take turns and burp as they pass the pumpkin pie. They are other people's children.
And, whether they’re strangers checking out the trains at NorthPark Center or your child's best friend over for an afternoon of gingerbread building, the question is, if it takes a village to raise a child, are we, as parents, empowered to discipline the offspring of others?
In a recent DallasChild online poll of local parents, 87 percent said they’d disciplined other people’s kids and 92 percent expected others to do the same in their absence. Area experts agree that parents need the support of other moms and dads when it comes to correcting bad behavior, but if you’ve ever tried it, you know it’s still fraught with peril.
It’s a team effort
It goes without saying that all moms and dads parent differently. As much as we long for it, there is no bright, shiny, best-selling guidebook that serves as the end-all, be-all for raising children. Beyond food, clothing, health and safety, we’re on our own when it comes to our kids. And this is no more apparent than when discussing discipline. Strict, moderate, permissive. Corporal, time out, loss of privilege. Within each category are a slew of interpretations.
So what exactly is discipline? Ask your friends, neighbors and coworkers, and you’ll get a host of answers that vary widely. It’s no wonder that nearly half of the online poll respondents said they find it difficult to discipline other people’s kids.
Vanessa McGee, a Frisco-area mom of 6-year-old twin boys and a 3-year-old girl, readily admits she’s a strict parent and has no qualms about reprimanding others’ children. And it cuts both ways for her. “I expect others, especially my mom friends, to discipline my children when I’m not around,” she says. “As for my children’s friends, I know their parents’ expectations for them, so I try to discipline off those rather than what is and isn’t acceptable in my house.”
Erin Finn, M.Ed., LPC-1, a family life educator with The Parenting Center in Fort Worth, supports McGee’s approach to discipline. For moms and dads who anticipate having their children’s friends over for regular play dates, Finn says it’s important to talk with the other parents beforehand. Ask about specific behavioral challenges you should keep on your radar and how they’d like you to handle them should they pop up. A quick conversation, Finn says, can help establish some consistency for your visitor and curtail bad behavior.
The blame game
Since not all parents will be as fortunate as McGee to have super-strong ties with the parents of their littlest houseguests or have the opportunity to chat with parents pre-sleepover as Finn advises, Dallas-based etiquette expert Elise McVeigh offers a page from her playbook: “Blame it on the house rules.”
Whether a child is shaking the presents under the tree or grabbing at your antique ornaments, the founder and CEO of Elise McVeigh’s Life Camp says it’s important to avoid putting a child on the spot or embarrassing him, while still enforcing the do’s and don’ts of your home. “Establish the rules, establish the boundaries. And avoid looking like the bad guy by saying, ‘I’m sorry, we don’t do XYZ, it’s a house rule.’”
By holding your home accountable for the laws of your land, rather than yourself, you help eliminate any personal stake in the discipline process. Just like schools have rules and regulations set forth by the district rather than one teacher, house rules provide guidelines for all guests while providing a little distance for you.
So what happens when you’ve outlined the rules, the cookie-decorating is going great, and then bam! Your house guest slams his fist into your child’s painstakingly adorned snowman sweet. What do you do? Wendy Middlemiss, Ph.D., an associate professor of educational psychology at the University of North Texas, says follow the three R’s: remind, remove, redirect.
The consequence for the cookie crusher’s first bad choice shouldn’t be a consequence at all, Middlemiss says. Simply remind him that, in your home, you treat other people’s stuff with respect. But if it happens again, Middlemiss suggests eliminating the opportunity to break the rule a third time and redirecting the child’s attention. Ditch the cookies and invite the kids to play a game. If a guest is glued to the TV, institute a time-out on the flat screen and offer a snack break as an alternative.
While some experts caution that using discipline strategies for houseguests that are different from those you use with your own kids can create resentment, Middlemiss is quick to emphasize that no one should ever yell at or use corporal punishment on another person’s child. “We need to do things that keep children safe, but we need to be extremely judicious in what we choose to do,” she says.
Physical discipline, she continues, “opens up a whole can of worms.”
Holiday games
Holiday gatherings present their own bundle of predicaments: lots of friends, lots of family and lots of opportunity for mischief. As party host, there’s often a fine line when it comes to disciplining right in front of the offending child’s parents. What do you let slide? What do you tell the parents if they missed (or purposely overlooked) the misbehavior? When do you say enough’s enough, even though it’s the season of good cheer?
It all depends on the safety and seriousness of the act, says Amy Egan, LLC, a Dallas-based life and parenting coach. If a child’s hitting up the dessert table before dinner, you might look the other way for one secret cookie, but a heaping handful would warrant a heads up to Mom and Dad. A 5-year-old seconds away from sticking fingers in the fireplace calls for immediate intervention.
Egan says hosts might consider uninviting partygoers who have a habit of ignoring their kids’ destructive behavior. “You have to determine if you can change your perspective on the behavior,” she says. If not, you may have to strike that family off your list.
The same guidelines can be applied in public settings. Minor missteps by strangers can be overlooked, but if your child’s safety is in jeopardy, it’s your responsibility to step in and protect her. Resolve the immediate threat and then approach the other parents for a quick heart-to-heart. Tread cautiously and with respect, however, as not all moms and dads will welcome your input.
R-E-S-P-E-C-T
Curtailing cussing while watching Missile Toes skate around the ice at Galleria Dallas. Putting the kibosh on backtalk during intermission at The Nutcracker. Halting poor table manners during dinner at your home. Regardless of when or where, there’s one important word to remember when it comes to spending time with family and friends this holiday season – or anytime: respect.
Set the example for your children and, in turn, encourage your children to be an example for their friends, says Terri Martinez, owner of Etiquette North Dallas.
Even in those moments that send your inner Mama Bear into an uproar – like when you catch your brother-in-law berating your child for misbehaving – Martinez says it’s critical to proceed with respect rather than raw emotion.
“Always keep in mind that your child is watching to see how you will handle this conflict,” she says. “You can say something like, ‘I appreciate your concern for what my son has done, but I’ll take it from here.’”
With one statement you’re acknowledging that a poor choice was made, illustrating that you can and will dispense appropriate discipline and reassuring your child that you’re there for him. Experts agree that you should have a conversation with your child following the disagreement. Explain that when his uncle is upset, he handles it by yelling, but emphasize that he was upset because your son did something he wasn’t supposed to do. “Separating these two things out is very important,” Middlemiss says.
Respect is a critical element, whether disciplining your child or someone else’s. Each moment is a teachable moment, and parents should be open to seizing every opportunity.
“Adults need to be respectful to each other and to children,” Martinez says. “They’re learning from us. It’s monkey see, monkey do.”
Published December 2013
