When will it be OK to have sex after giving birth? Will I ever have sex (and, ahem, good sex) again? What’s normal? What isn’t? It likely comes as little surprise that these are some of the top questions expecting and new mothers have. (And ones they’ve likely wanted answers to all along.)
One of the biggest question-driving fears? Pain. Most doctors give the OK about four to six weeks after delivery (no matter whether it’s vaginal or C-section) to allow time for stitches to heal and tenderness to dissipate. And – barring any unusual or excessive pain – many can get back to it at that time.
“Initially, it feels different, and can be less enjoyable than it had been in the past,” says Dallas-based gynecologist Lauren Dew, M.D. And, she adds, there’s a common catch at first: many new mothers simply don’t feel like having sex, passing up on the chance to dive right back in – even after getting the doctor’s approval. And that is absolutely normal.
“Most women are fatigued, and, if they are breastfeeding, are up every few hours and probably aren’t at an ideal body weight,” Dew says. “You don’t feel sexy like you have in the past, so things are very different.”
Robert Wai, M.D., of Obstetrics & Gynecology of North Texas at Baylor Regional Medical Center at Grapevine, agrees. “It’s overwhelming when you have a new baby – it’s 24-7. You’re under all kinds of stress after delivery,” he says. “Most sex-drive in women is not hormone-based like it is for men; it’s more their situation. All of these things impact libido, and it’s very common for it to be the last thing on their plate.”
Breastfeeding also can suppress estrogen levels – increasingly lowering libido, that necessary sex-driving chemical – and cause unanticipated dryness, making it a bit more uncomfortable. “That’s a very common complaint,” says Wai. “But it’s usually temporary, and with over-the-counter lubricants, it will usually work itself out, especially after nursing when the estrogen level comes back up.”
For local mom Megan Lane, the return to her pre-daughter routine took three months. “I was surprised by how much time I needed,” she says. “But I was just so focused on taking care of the baby.”
So what’s the best approach after baby? Dew suggests easing back into a routine. “Try some intimacy – cuddling or kissing – not necessarily leading to sex” to get back into the groove, she says. “[Women] should be the leader and control things, and have the expectation that they may stop earlier. While it will be uncomfortable, getting that first time done with will be a big step.”
Given hectic new schedules, Dew also suggests chatting – at breakfast, lunch or a moment that isn’t pressure-packed – and planning date nights or setting time aside when the baby is fed and asleep. Or even, Wai says, taking a vacation if possible. “Get away, make time away from the baby, de-clutter, and de-stress,” he says. “Men need to do their part and have a date night and understand there’s going to be some differences.”
Despite these challenges (and as long as you aren’t experiencing severe symptoms that should be checked by your doctor), within three to six months new moms can “get back to how they were before, making it an enjoyable experience,” Dew says.
The bottom line: don’t be afraid if your body reacts differently in the post-birth sex realm. Is your sex drive skyrocketing? Perfect. Has it checked out? You’re fine. Are you taking more time than you thought? That’s totally normal. And, most importantly: give yourself a break. Things might just take some time.
Published March 2014
