Hurt feelings can really sting, but when it’s your kid who lands the blow? That can cut particularly deep.
Case in point: Recently, I signed up to volunteer in my son’s second grade classroom, an event that I rescheduled meetings and reprioritized work for and looked forward to with wistful excitement. My son, on the other hand? He was mortified. “When are you leaving?” he asked. Ouch.
For a moment I was tempted to lay it on thick. Did he even know what I had to do in order to be there that day? Did he realize how I’d looked forward this? Did he see how much that hurt my feelings?
Experts say there’s one important thing to remember in these instances: our children are not responsible for our feelings. But while we don’t want to guilt or shame them, we do want to raise children to be kind and aware of others’ emotions. “That’s what’s so tricky, where’s that balance?” says Rachael Hackler, a DFWChild Mom-Approved licensed professional counselor and owner of TrueSelf Counseling in Fort Worth. “It can be a fine line. We want them to understand that their actions do sometimes cause hurtful feelings to others. But we don’t want them to carry our stuff with them.”
Pause Before You React
When your kids throw a dagger, first take a pause. Even though they might have said something hurtful, it doesn’t mean they truly feel that way. Instead, it usually indicates that they’re upset about something and they just don’t know how else to express it. So take a moment to think about what your child is trying to convey. Most often, they aren’t intentionally trying to hurt you.
“Maybe put your own feelings on the back burner and think about, what is my child trying to communicate to me?” says Meagan Parks, a DFWChild Mom-Approved licensed professional counselor and registered play therapist who owns Navy & Dot Child & Family Counseling in Dallas. In the case of my son, she suggests saying something like, “’Gosh, it really sounds like you wish Mommy wasn’t coming, but I’m so excited and I’ll see you later.’ So you can validate what he feels but also allow space to mention your feelings, without placing blame on your kiddo.”
Pausing also leaves room for you to come back to the episode in a more regulated way, not in your “emotional brain,” says Hackler. So instead of reacting, she says, get curious about your own emotions too. “We have to check in with ourselves in those moments. When our kids do something, or don’t do something, or say something hurtful, oftentimes it’s poking at one of the wounded parts of ourselves. And so, as parents, we’ve got to get curious about why did that activate me? Why did that sting as much as it did?”
What Not to Say
How you respond to hurt is an opportunity to teach your child how to regulate their own big emotions and feelings. It’s a moment where you can model staying in control of your reactions, and also help your child develop empathy and boundaries.
“Sometimes parents can seem like these magical creatures,” says Parks. Especially with little kids, you might need to explain that Mommy or Daddy is a person who has real feelings. Then, the way you share those feelings can model healthy emotional expression.
“We don’t want to look like this hardcore, nothing bothers me person. We feel things too and can show kids, this is how we communicate we feel a certain way,” says Hackler. “We want to normalize all the feelings—not just the good stuff. So if our feelings are hurt, or we’re frustrated, or sad, disconnected, disappointed, rejected—it’s OK for us to say that so our kids start to learn they can express that too.”
Addressing hurt feelings can also benefit kids in social situations they might encounter later on. Talking through the episode can be helpful because you point out, “Gosh, if you say something like that to your friend at school their feelings might be hurt as well,” says Parks.
What you don’t want to say? ‘You hurt my feelings,’ or ‘You make me sad.’ This sends the message that our kids are responsible for our feelings. Remember, you own your feelings, so don’t assign guilt. “Go back to some ‘I’ statements,” says Hackler. “I felt really sad when you threw that toy at me, or I felt hurt when you yelled at me.” This avoids blaming and instead keeps the conversation focused on your emotions.
RELATED: How to Apologize to Your Child
When the Hurt is Deliberate
But what about when a kid intentionally lands a blow? Older children and teens might be more likely to wield hurtful words to express frustration or assert independence. Your reaction should be the same—measured and neutral, while being curious about what’s really behind their actions or words.
“Don’t invite that power struggle. Circle back to what’s going on inside their head? Oftentimes, it’s not really ‘I want to hurt Mom,’ but instead they need something. What might that need be? Instead of laying it on thick you could say, ‘I’m feeling pretty sad, but I hear you,’” says Parks.
Moving On
Whether it was a snide comment, an accidental insult or a misunderstanding, don’t hold on to resentment. Laying on the guilt or giving them the silent treatment isn’t productive or helpful to your relationship. Make an effort to forgive and move on.
“Shaming or guilting is not helpful but sometimes its innate in us; we were raised by a different generation and we’re trying to do a lot of work that’s different,” says Parks. “We have to remember that as adults we have so many more coping skills and capabilities than our kids do.”
RELATED: Why Your Child Needs Social Emotional Learning
This article was originally published in February 2025.
Photo illustration by Sean Parsons, iStock
