When you first brought your little bundle of joy home, did you begin to daydream about who they’ll grow up to be? Will they have confidence, self-worth and empathy? Will they become happy, thoughtful, successful adults?
This life you hope for boils down to developing social and emotional skills—things that in childhood look like making friends, sharing toys and recognizing feelings. And through social emotional learning (SEL), children start acquiring these skills earlier than you might think.
But what, exactly, is social emotional learning? Simply put, think of SEL as the building blocks of emotional intelligence, which encompasses the soft skills that are needed for success at all ages in life. In fact, Sara Loftin, a clinical therapist with Children’s Health in Dallas, says SEL is “important because it’s how a child becomes a functioning member of society.”
Milestones and Reinforcing SEL
The reality is the early years are most vital in developing these skills, Loftin says—90% of a child’s brain is developed before they enter kindergarten, and it triples in size by the time they turn 3. While each child develops at a different pace, here are the social milestones you can typically expect in early years, and how to foster these skills at home.
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Newborn to 1: Building connection and trust
This stage of your baby’s SEL is all about connection, attachment, and building trust, particularly with their parents and caregivers, Loftin says.
Newborns communicate their feelings with their body and crying and respond to your touch. Around 6 months, a more reciprocal relationship starts to develop; your baby begins to smile back at and interact with you. Around 9 months, they begin to experience separation and stranger anxiety, which is a positive sign of attachment.
Reinforcing SEL: Respond to baby’s cues and cries. “What you’re doing is building that trust and safety in their brain that, when I am crying, someone’s going to come to me,” says Tiffany Self, a professional learning partner at Big Thought, a Dallas-based nonprofit that works with youth to develop SEL. You can also mirror their emotions by reflecting feelings with words or facial expressions.
Age 2: Developing independence and defiance
At 2, your tot starts to develop autonomy and learns how they’re able to influence their environment, Self says. They may insist on pouring their own milk. Perhaps they resist you putting on their shoes. If they roll the ball to you, will you roll it back to them?
Two-year-olds also start to become defiant. While it may be frustrating, it would be a red flag if they didn’t start to test boundaries. Your tot is also beginning to be more aware of the people around them and will start to engage in parallel play.
Reinforcing SEL: Allow your kiddo to assist you with different tasks around the home. If your little one wants to help fold laundry, let them—yes, even if it’s not done how you would do it. Take a moment to breathe and remember that letting your kiddo help, even if you have to redo it later when they’re not in the room, builds self-motivation and self-esteem.
To help manage defiance and set boundaries, Loftin suggests using ACT: acknowledge your little one’s feelings, communicate the limit and target alternatives to teach them how to express feelings appropriately. For example, “I know you are so mad, but that book is not for throwing. You can choose to stomp your feet or clench your fists to show me how mad you are.”
Age 3: Growing independence and big feelings
The prefrontal cortex, where emotion regulation happens, grows a lot between ages 2-3, so 3-year-olds experience a lot of big feelings, Loftin says. Since toddlers can’t think rationally or regulate emotions, they’re often in a state of fight or flight, which is when tantrums occur.
Kids this age search for more independence. If they see Mom writing out a grocery list, they may scribble their own list. But as they try to do things and find they have trouble, like they can’t open a granola bar at snack time, they easily get frustrated.
Reinforcing SEL: Continue to reflect your little one’s feelings and set boundaries using ACT. To help prepare your kiddo for friendships, encourage sharing and taking turns, even if it doesn’t happen all the time.
If they scribble out their own list or they want to help around the house, acknowledge what they’re doing and keep letting them practice so they can eventually learn how to do it correctly, Self recommends.
Age 4: Becoming more social, building creativity
Four-year-olds start to become more social. They also engage with more imaginary play but may confuse fantasy with reality. Kids this age also start to implement what they’ve learned in the years before, Loftin says.
Reinforcing SEL: When it comes to play time, be present, let your little one lead and join them in their fantasy world to foster their creativity. It’s also a good idea to schedule play time with other children or enroll your child in one or two age-appropriate extracurricular activities so they can practice their social skills. Just be sure to not overschedule your kiddo.
Age 5: Becoming more cooperative, building friendships
Loftin says children are typically a bit more cooperative at age 5, though not always. They also tend to seek out friendships a bit more at this age and may start exhibiting different behaviors in an effort to please their friends.
Five-year-olds also begin to know the difference between fantasy and reality, desire new experiences, and really start to show what they’re learning.
Reinforcing SEL: Continue to help your kiddo with identifying, managing and expressing their feelings, as well as setting boundaries. This is especially important as they start to build friendships. It’s also a good idea to reinforce their positive behaviors and characteristics by pointing them out.
One final tip from Loftin that applies no matter what age your child? Be a thermostat, not a thermometer. “Whereas a thermometer takes on the temperature around them and rises with the temperature, a thermostat really sets the temperature in the room and helps the child come down to where you are. So we want to reflect their feelings, but we want to remain cool, calm and collected and not take those feelings on,” she says.
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Top image: iStock
