“Stop crying! We don’t do that, dude! It’s just a movie!” As I walked through the movie theater lobby, this is what I overheard as a small boy about 15 feet away from me sauntered the other way—head down behind an oversized popcorn bucket to hide his red, tear-streaked face. He was maybe 8 or 9, based on height, and so it was easy enough to picture my youngest son in this same scenario, on the other side of that popcorn bucket.
Emotions are a tricky subject when it comes to boys. The old school way of thinking is to teach a boy to control outbursts of tearful emotion. (Although, outbursts of some emotional showings like anger are clearly acceptable in public places.)
But according to nearly every modern medical journal, psychology study and other forums featuring professionals weighing in with vast amounts of knowledge that I could find in my research on this topic, crying is not just OK, but actually a sign of greater emotional intelligence and empathy. And that makes the old school way of thinking…well…old.
I intend to give my boys as much leverage as they need—and a tissue if it helps.
To me, crying is more of a personal response. Take me for example: I don’t tend to cry in many sad situations. I don’t know why. My parents were never the “keep it bottled in” types growing up. I don’t have a coping mechanism. I don’t stare at a picture of John Wayne and tell myself to toughen up. It’s just the way my wiring works. And although the parts are similar person to person, none of us are wired exactly the same.
But perhaps the most egregious part of the statement I overheard was that we were at the movies. Great movies are designed to push your emotional boundaries. If you watch a film and really feel something, that is a gift. Even if your social “rule” is to hold back the tears no matter what, movies need to be an exception. This is especially true of the countless number of movies with moments—or entire storylines—dedicated to amazing stories involving father-son dynamics.
Not convinced? Here is my tiered list of solid dad-cry moments that not only should be acceptable, but heresy if you don’t solicit some sort of emotional response…
Take a deep breath
• Big Daddy: This Adam Sandler flick has a lot of great meme-able lines, but both the growing relationship and resolve to be this fatherlike figure despite the twist at the end hits you like a ton of bricks.
• Finding Nemo: A father busts his hump…er…tailfin to cross a dangerous ocean to save his son. Hard to argue with the effort and emotional reunion.
• American Pie: OK, first off, don’t show your younger kids this movie quite yet. However, I argue for all the teenage angst and sexuality, Eugene Levy’s storyline of a dad character stepping far out of his comfort zone to try and help his son is vastly underrated.
It’s getting dusty in here
• Big Fish: A great Ewan McGregor flick where the father’s often-hyperbolized adventures concludes with a man trying to repair his bond with his son before he dies.
• A Goofy Movie: Maybe it is how I identify as a lifelong klutz, but the title character’s persistence to help as a well-meaning dad, despite the embarrassment his son expresses throughout the film, pays off at the end is a solid animated choice.
• Guardians of the Galaxy: Volume 2: While one dad flexes his muscles as a godlike figure, another (Yondu) shows what real fatherly heroism looks like.
Let it out. You’re no robot.
• It’s a Wonderful Life: I dare you to not lose it when Harry Bailey toasts George as the richest man in town in front of his kids.
• Field of Dreams: “Hey dad, you wanna have a catch?” All of that blood, sweat and tears to play catch one more time with your dad? Worth it.
• Star Wars: Return of the Jedi: Hopefully, I am not spoiling anything, but when Darth Vader removes his helmet after sacrificing himself to save his son, Luke, and wishes to look at him with his own eyes…powerful stuff that even the force cannot match.
Emotional integrity has some gray space to it, but when on the silver screen, I intend to give my boys as much leverage as they need—and a tissue if it helps.
And as for the older gentleman who inspired this column, I hope you consider seeing these movies. You may cry. You may not. But be honest and as introspective with yourself as possible on how they make you feel—or how they could make others feel.
Because, punking a kid for having a real moment at the movies? We don’t do that, dude.
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