Michelle Thomas is a stay-at-home mom, a stand-up comedian and the creator and executive director of the breast cancer organization Check Your Cupcakes. She lives in Terrell with her 3-year-old son AJ (Austin James) and her husband of 10 years, Matt.
6AM AJ quietly slinks into my room, slithers up beside me on the bed and then screams in my face, “Mommy, wake up! It’s MORNING TIME!” Even though I should be used to it by now, every morning I still have to remind myself that he’s 3, I’m his mom and throwing him out the window would only end with me being on the news that night.
6:05AM The breakfast battle begins. AJ heads straight for the pantry, swings the door open and stares at all our food like it’s the first time he’s seen groceries in his life. “Hmmm … I want sumfi’n. What do I want?” he thinks aloud. I offer up cereal and he tells me no, like it was the most insane thing I could have suggested. He grabs a bag of microwavable red beans and rice and tells me that’s what he wants. I fix him cereal.
7AM I turn on the Today show, so I can find out what’s going on in the world while I check my email, return messages and make my to-do list for the day.
7:45AM I start getting AJ ready for school; first a bath, then dressed. Scratch that. First a bath, then 15 minutes of me explaining why he can’t wear his life jacket to school. Once convinced, he dresses himself while I make his lunch.
8:50AM We are out the door. School starts at 9am and, luckily, it’s directly across the street.
9AM I head out to run errands, go by the store and clean my car; basically, anything I can think of that is easier to do without a kid in tow. Don’t get me wrong; I love AJ. There is just something to be said for being in Target at nine in the morning in the middle of the week with no kids. No trouble finding a parking spot. No lines. No one having an epic meltdown because their mom won’t buy them that box of pregnancy tests they grabbed off the shelf.
11AM I’m back at home, working on business for the day. I don’t have an agent or manager, so I have to do everything myself. I work on contracts, email bookers and new T-shirt designs for Check Your Cupcakes and update my website … it’s a never-ending process. I get an email from a client saying they decided they want to “roast” their CEO during my upcoming performance. The show is three days away. A million messages back and forth and basically the only information I have is: He likes to hunt and he’s been married 34 years. Seriously?
1PM I grab something for lunch and take advantage of the last hour I have before AJ gets home by watching one of the numerous reality shows I have saved on my DVR. It’s usually right about this time that Matt checks in to see how my day is going, so I respond and say, “I’m good but super busy doing laundry.” Of course, by “doing laundry” I mean I have restarted the dryer three times.
2PM I pick up AJ from school. I’m always super excited to see him and to hear about his day. More important, I’m excited to hear whether he got in trouble for hitting anyone or refusing to take a nap. This is something we have been working on, so it’s a very big deal. I always have something waiting, so if his teacher tells me he had a good day, he gets a treat when we get home and we FaceTime with Daddy, so he can tell him how proud he is of him for being a good boy.
3PM Afternoons are usually a blur. It’s during this time that I actually do put up the laundry, empty the dishwasher, start dinner and create the illusion that our house was not just ransacked by bears. I try to come up with non-offensive ways to rib this million-dollar CEO, whom I know very little about. I jot down one-liners as they come to me.
6:30PM Matt is home from work just in time for dinner. He and AJ play around while I get everything finished up; then we all eat together. I could lie and say it’s always at the table, but sometimes we have what AJ calls “pic wics” (picnics) in the living room and eat while we watch Jeopardy and yell out answers at the TV. We cheer like idiots when we get an answer right. High fives all around, fist bumps and imaginary money. AJ loves it.
7:30PM It’s AJ’s bedtime. We get him dressed, read a story, talk to Jesus and say goodnight. It’s always so sweet. Then we spend the next hour threatening to put him on eBay if he gets out of his bed one more time.
8PM These are the two hours a day that Matt and I have alone with each other. Of course, we take advantage of it and do what any couple in love would … we watch TV. There are certain shows we have to watch together. For me to watch a recorded show that we both enjoy without him would be like committing TV adultery. In between shows, I pick Matt’s brain on what he thinks I could do for my upcoming show … he throws me a few ideas, so I add them to my notebook.
10PM Time for bed. We turn the TV on to Nick at Night, so we can fall asleep to the sound of Friends reruns. I piddle on my phone, perusing the web and LinkedIn to see if I can get any more information on Mr. Boss Man for my show on Friday. Something that will be lighthearted enough to get a laugh but not so personal that it gets me punched in the face. I give up for the night and switch to Pinterest instead, where I pass out reading hilarious memes and e-cards.
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