Stanford University has probably the stupidest – or most genius depending on your perspective – mascots in all of college athletics. Yes, Stanford is the Cardinal – the vivid color red not the bird. Coming up with an appropriate mascot has been impossible. Thus, the Tree was invented. Many believe the Tree is meant to poke fun at the rest of the country’s mascots. Leave it to a bunch of geeks at Stanford. For further proof, look at the Stanford band at games. Dubbed The Mob, it’s another ironic kick in the crotch to all of the other serious bands.
This is quite a long set up. But I wanted it to make sense when I called my annual holiday letter the ‘Stanford Tree’ of holiday letters. Most of you will not have the pleasure of reading the annual missive. But rest assured that it’s my ceremonial kick in the crotch to everyone who’s about to sit down in front of their fireplace, pull out the green and red parchment paper and start authoring what has become the biggest butt-whip in the history of December.
The holiday letter.
Add to that the requisite fancy card and a beautiful family photo replete with bare feet, jeans, white t-shirts, a sunset and a beach.
My advice is to stop at the card and photo. Well, maybe just stop at the card, but I know how much the photo means to mom so we’ll let that pass.
If you want to see the ultimate case of failed smile, attach a GoPro to the holiday letter. When relatives and friends open up 98 percent of these works of art, they are dazzled with insightful information about seventh-grade Spanish class, fantastic stories about how the family dog always greets its owners with a smile and countless highlights from the YMCA soccer season. In other words, it’s Facebook. And it’s why I don’t have much to do with Facebook or holiday letters.
Sure, I’m proud of my kids just like you are. Sure, I like bragging about my cool trips to bowl games or golf courses or national landmarks. The thing is, however, I really don’t care about yours. And you don’t really care about mine. I get it. And I’m good with it.
But I’m not here to destroy your dreams of penning the perfect holiday letter. So I want to do my part and share with anyone who is thinking about one some helpful hints that will ensure positive commentary that’s more than just folks being polite. You can thank me later.
Hint #1: It’s called a period. Embrace it.
One of the most common blunders of the holiday letter is the run-on sentence. Short, punchy sentences are the way to go. Even if they’re uninteresting sentences, short ones are better than long ones. Always.
Hint #2: Don’t write uninteresting sentences.
Yes, easier written than done I realize. But definitely take a step back and big breath before you start writing and put yourself into our position. What would we really find interesting and, as importantly, entertaining? It’s cool that little Johnny finished sixth in his cross-country race back in September, but is that important enough information to make the cut in your short, punchy letter? You know the answer to that.
Hint #3: Do not avoid controversial subject matter.
If you’re going to keep the audience’s attention, push outside your comfort zone. Never miss a chance to work in pop-culture references, the current plight of local sports teams, political punch lines and maybe even some red-hot opinions about the new healthcare law. I promise that people will read it and react. And that’s what you want after all. Comparing your Aunt Kim to Kim Kardashian will surely grab the reader’s attention, especially if Aunt Kim has a husband named Kanye and a booty bigger than the AT&T Stadium/Death Star.
Hint #4: Bullet points are your friend.
This goes with the punch factor that we’re looking for. Use bullet points to help the design of your letter. The last few I’ve read looked like the tax code instead of a fun-filled holiday blast. Speaking of designs, keep your border simple and not crammed with reindeer, gingerbread houses and snowflakes. Important safety tip – One. Page. Only.
Hint #5: Laugh at yourself. Laugh at everyone else.
Believe me, we’ve all had our share of laughs and tears in the past 11 months. We all cherish our little ones and consider them the best ever at whatever they try. We all greatly appreciate the friends and family in our lives. But if you can’t have a good laugh at the expense of these folks, you’re just not trying very hard. So go for it. If your son farts in public, toss that gem out there. If your mother-in-law enjoys talking with strangers at Albertsons about every facet of your life, don’t hold back. And, if you are addicted to trash TV on Bravo, spill the beans.
Hint #6: Finish strong.
No matter how edgy, controversial, punchy and entertaining your new-look holiday letter becomes, remember to end with a wholesome John Boy Waltonesque positive message from your family to theirs. Even if the reader hates your new writing style, at least you’ve finished strong.
Rudy lives in Flower Mound, works in Fort Worth and plays everywhere in between. He has one wife, one daughter, one son, one published book, one obsession with sports and 20 million observations on marriage and children. Follow him on Twitter: Manifesto10.
Published December 2013
